Kim Kyu Jong
You worked so hard and you never gave up. You were shot down but you never let that phase you and you kept on going. Some didn’t believe in you but you held onto the hope of those who did. You work your hardest and you do get what you earned. You really do mean so much to me, even though i will never be more than a Triple S to you. Even if that’s how life will turn out, I know I’ll be okay standing next to a man that isn’t you because I know you’re happy and thats all that I really need to know to be able to move on happily. You mean so much and you worked so hard. You deserve the love of thousands and really, i think you deserve more. You and SS501. You all worked hard and even after it was all done, you bring us light of coming back as 5. You brought me happiness, hope, relief, and most importantly, the determination to go after my dream. You brought me to where I am now and I want to help you to the next step to become the best. Kim Hyun Joong, Heo Young Saeng, Kim Kyu Jong, Park Jung Min, and Kim Hyung Joon; the 5 boys that will forever be in my heart. SS501. If its not you 5, it will never be SS501.
Always smile and never forget that there are people that love you, that care for you, standing right behind you, ready to catch you when you’re about to fall. These people are us. Your Triple S. We love you and never forget that. We believe in you so please believe in us as well. You help us during our hardships, you bring smiles to our lips that don’t want to smile, you bring up laughter from our lungs, you help us live more freely, more happily. I wouldn’t be this way if it wasn’t for you. It sounds cheesy yah but its true. Please don’t ever forget.
Dong Bang Shin Ki,
I’m so lost on where to stand when it comes to you. It feels like I have given up but really, the littlest things bring me straight back to you. I try to run away, to save my own heart from the shattering pain i have to endure every passing moment. I hide so than I can resist what first made me love you. You scare me yet, I can’t imagine a life without you. Your words wash over my soul, easing my fatigued body and you jump start my faith with every breath, beat, and sweat that you sacrifice for us. You capture my heart and hold it tenderly but your touch is like a stinging pain. I really do want to run away from it all and come back when everything’s better again but i cant; you won’t let me. I want to see you back together. How long has it been? A year? two years? Its been too long. Please. I know it will be hard and I know that there are many obstacles in the way. I know this is selfish of me but come back soon. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on but, I think if holding on an never letting go till the very end means being able to see you as 5 once more, I’ll surpass the impossible the hang on that hope forever. You really are number 1 in my heart and I really just the old you back. The old you that made me love you.
You are such a douche. Your remarks are rude. Things always end to arguing. You end conversations without warning. Your negative. Everything’s aways so awkward with you and what i hate the most is this feeling you make me go through whenever you’re around. My heart feels like its going to burst if I stand near you any longer. I hate how you make me smile. I hate how you make me blush. Why I like you, I really have no clue. You’re nothing like the ideal guy I want to be with. I hate how you make me like this. I really do but I can’t help myself from being like this. I want to talk to you. I want to get to know you before our time is up. You make fun of me, you laugh at me, sometimes I just want to scream at you but the little things you do wash over the horrible things you do to me and I feel like I’m floating in the sky. I really don’t know what I should do, I feel like I should give up and just move on. Just look away from you and never look back. I really hate this feeling I get from you but no matter how hard I try to run away, I can never make myself do so. Why must it be you?
I know that there are other people that will say stuff like this and whether they really mean it, I really don’t know but let you know that my words come straight from my heart. No lame phrases or sugar coated words; just straight feelings and emotions that I hope will reach you one day. With every storm comes the rainbow.Whether that storm passed you already or not, you are strong to go through such a horrible event but yet, still let it go. I really envy you for how you’re able to stand so strong in such a hurtful time. THe world is watching you and millions are supporting you. Although a lot of us hasn’t gone through the severe lost that you have recently went through, we understand the pain to lose a loved one and to lose so many at such a short time is simply unthinkable. But please understand, You’re not alone. I’ve never been to japan. I don’t know the people. I hardly know the culture and I surely don’t know the language but the feelings you feel are universal. We’ve all been through the pain and suffering. One day, that rainbow will shine through for you. It’s inevitable. So many people, people you will most likely never encounter, sends out their heart to you. Think of this as a beginning to a new life with new views and new ideas instead of a tragic end.
with much love and hope,
I really can’t wait to see you. Even though I don’t really talk to you much, seeing you makes me just as happy ^^
Please stop claiming that you know me when you obviously don’t. Its annoying and its really starting to piss me off. i don’t want to flip out on you but one day I will and I’m going to regret it.
your first daughter,
You make my heart race like no other. Its driving me insane and I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to feel. A lot of people, when they like someone, they would want to hold their crush and do romantic stuff with their crush. I just want to sit next to you. To truly get to know you. I want to be the girl that you would want as a girlfriend but never lose as a friend. Its funny because, whenever I think about you or when I write about you, I run short on words. Its like my train of thought fell off a cliff and isn’t coming back. I’ve never felt this way before, especially after the first guy that crushed my heart. You make me feel not happy but not sad. Its a feeling words can’t even come close to. Its a feeling that you have to feel to know what I’m talking about. I don’t know what you did but You’ve left your mark on my heart and this is something I won’t regret when I look back.
I’m writing to you a lot aren’t I? I had the greatest tim of my life yesterday when you and everyone came over :) Although I’m not much of a people person, I had a bunch of fun. You really made my night. I bet you laughed at me when you saw all the pictures in my room huh? Hm. I wonder if you’ll ever see this one day :P Haha you cute ninja.
I took my placement test today :) And seriously, there was some cute asians there but than again, the only person that popped up in my head when i said ‘cute’ was you :) I know I sound super lame but you are cute with your chinky eyes but very chic with your deep voice.. D: It makes me want to kill myself!
I don’t know why I like you. Yesterday, before you were about to leave, my friend said, “I understand why you like him bri” and at that time, I thought I knew too but when I look back, I don’t know why. You’re nothing I wanted in a guy. My guy was supposed to have high goals like me. Taller than me. Actually knows what he wants to do. Smart so than he can cover up my stupidity. & than there is you. Nothing clicks! We’re the same height. You don’t know what you want to be. You don’t even want to go to college. Well I believe you’re smart. ;A; i’m so lost!
I feel like i’m bothering you. And who are you always texting? Its like gnawing at me now. I always told myself that I don’t want to be those over-protective crush or whatever and i really damn hope I don’t, but I just wanna know who it is. You’re always texting someone and i’d just sit/stand there like, “who the heck is he texting?” ugh! You confuse me :(
Its like you can read my mind. You know exactly what to say/do so than I don’t feel mad or disappointed in you anymore. Its like you’re reading my like a book. I really wonder if you understand these feelings I have for you. DOn’t look at her because it will make me insecure. Why sit next to her when you don’t even sit next to me.? You confuse me but at the same time, you restore my trust in you. You’re such a handful and you’re so hard to understand. I’m so fascinated by you, I hate it!
No matter what happens on tuesday, whether you break my heart or make my wildest dreams come true, I know one thing won’t ever change. I’m happy that you were in my life and I will never regret you. Not once. You made me see the bigger picture and you made me laugh and smile more than you can ever imagine. I don’t care what happens on tuesday. I just want you to know and thats all I really care about.
I know I really like you, I think i’m in love with you. This is probably really creepy and I think so too but I really do like you. Like everything about you. You surely aren’t my ideal type but you still catch my eye. You remind me of my dad and I do want a guy that resembles my dad. Your so charming and fun. I really have a good time when you’re around even though it may not seem like it. I really do like you. I really do want to be with you. I just wish you would tell me how you feel. Who you like so than I can get over with the pain not and be a little bit better by graduation. I don’t want to wait anymore. I’m tired of waiting. I’m not patient at all but I think for you, I can wait.. Even if it kills me ^^’ I just want to be with you. To know that I mean something to you. To know that I’ll be in your mind. You’re the one person I want. I really like you and i’m scared for my life right now.
Haha I finally spelled your name right huh? Sigh. So much to say but not enough words to portray the true message.. I’m really glad I can still be your friend. You really do mean a lot to me and maybe it’s best if we stay friends. Although this is not the reality I wanted, this is the reality I’m willing to accept. Being able to see you and laugh with you is good enough for me. Hey, maybe this will give me some time to think about my feelings and decide whether I really like you or not so I guess this outcome was for the best. I really do like you and for now, I shall let that flame fade but not die out. I’ll let it start all over so than maybe, if I do fall for you again, I’ll be able to better understand why I feel for you and what traits about you made me fall for you. Please understand. You really do mean a lot to me and not in a “OMG i like you” kind of way but more of a “You’re a really good friend and I don’t want to lose you” kind of way. Not gunna like, some of the things I may do in the future if we hang out during the summer, it would be because I may still like you but all in all, everything I do that includes you, is because you’re important to me and the people important to me gets my undivided attention. no questions asked. Ahhh. I’m glad things turned out this way. I faced my fears and kept a dear friend. You’re very understanding :) Thank you.
Haha there’s so many things I want to tell you but never can. I don’t know how to feel, what to do, what to think, I just don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong when you’re here. You jumble all my thoughts and seriously drive me up the wall. I can’t understand why I feel like this. I want to get over you but people are telling me to be patient. I want to be patient but I don’t know how long I want to wait. I hate waiting and getting nothing in the end. You confuse me. I hate seeing you but I want to see you all the time. I don’t want to be around you but I can’t help but have the urge to be next to you. No one has ever made me feel like this and I hate how you make me feel like this.
Please, i’m begging you, become a real person and let me marry you. You are like fucking perfect! Although you’re insane, thats totally.. well not hot but very interesting :D
You’re not as great as I praised you to be.
You are so full of yourself. Get over it. You’re not the center of the universe so quit acting like it. You’re self centered, conceited and close minded. I don’t want to hate people and I don’t normally hate people but I hate people like you. Reality check, you’re not so amazing. You talk way to much and you just don’t get it when people don’t want you around. Seriously, I’m surprised I made it this far from not getting mad at you. I really wish I could request a room change. Probably when Elaina’s roommate leaves after 1st quarter, I’ll be able to move in with her because really, I like Elaina more than you. You were the roommate I was hoping not to have.
Please, shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear your voice anymore. You talk way to damn much, like seriously, its so damn annoying. No one’s listening to your damn stories so why the hell do you keep talking? Like seriously, I’m going to snap at you one day and when I do, I might even punch you in the face too. OMG, i can not deal with this.
I hate you,
Haha you’re cool and funny. I normally regret meeting people but I don’t regret meeting you.
Who are you? What’s your story? Should I let my feelings get the best of me or never think about you again? Are you like the other guys that I’ve met and now regret?
Natural and Social Science 101 class,
Why are you making do such ridiculous homework and read such a lengthy book. This class is so tedious! Gah! And I can never finish the homework the day before either! I always have to work on it the hour before class starts!!!! I though my English 100 class was bad but this is just as worse! D: At least I don’t have to do anything in that class to pass :(
You make my fucking toes curl; like my body is cringing (in a good way) whenever I hear you sing/watch you sing. Oh my God. Like seriously, can I like be your next door neighbor and be your best friend or something. Like can I just talk to you? You are effing… dead. I’m like dying from this mega spasm. You are just really amazing.
Keep my family safe.
I really wish I knew who you were. I really wish I had the courage to talk to you. I really do believe that my crush on you will go no where; but what more do I have to lose when I lost everything to the last guy I fell in love with..?
I fucking hate you.
Back in the beginning of the year, I didn’t know what and how I felt about you. But now, 11 months later, I think I finally understand. Back than, I liked you so much. I was completely infatuated with you, I truly believed I loved you; even though I didn’t know what love felt like and I probably still don’t but my feelings for you are probably the closest thing I have to it. Even now, I still get that little flutter in my gut when I remember you, my heart still beats faster when I hear your name, and your face still pops up when I read those lame love quotes. I should have been over you by now. I should have forgotten you like how you have probably forgotten me but I guess I never really got the chance to say goodbye since you left right after graduation. So I guess this is it Mr. Philip Shin. I will never forget or regret what I had to go through because of you. To tell you the truth, even though it hurt, those were probably the happiest days of my life.
with much love,
I was wrong. I wish you could’ve been my first boyfriend and I could’ve been your first girl. I was scared. I didn’t know if you would hurt me. I didn’t know if you would protect me. I was scared of my mom. You know how asian parents get and my mom would’ve went ballistic if she found out that we were together. But despite my fear, I should’ve never taken away my yes. I should have given you a chance. You were the only guy that looked through everything and liked me for me. I’m sorry I hurt you and I hope you the best but what I really wish is that we could be friends like how we once were.
with much love,
I can’t believe you accepted my friend request on facebook. Like seriously, I’m still in shock. But than again, why wouldn’t you right? It would be rude for you to not and you just because you accepted me on facebook doesn’t mean anything. I’m still just really surprised like seriously. But I’m still not sure about you. Like should I really put in the time and effort to like you? I don’t want to waste my time and I don’t want to get hurt. Heh. I remember saying that before, when I was still in the stages of wondering if I did or did not like philip and look how things turned out now. I think I’ll give this crush a shot. I mean, what more can I lose?
with much love,
I’m really sorry for throwing that sharpie at your face yesterday :( I really don’t know what got over me. I guess I was just really frustrated and since my sister isn’t around, I have no one to rant to to let out all of the built up anger. I’m really sorry and I really hope we can still be friends. Yah you may get sidetracked a lot and it may be a hassle to make you do your homework and stuff, but you’re a nice guy. I’d probably hate myself for a long period of time, if not forever, for losing a great friend like you.
You are a damn troll!
You sure were a rockin’ year. Probably my best year yet. Philip, Prom, Graduation, College, I met probably the greatest people ever thanks to you. I’m glad I was able to live to see this year end. Although you held many hardships, the death of a pastor, my time of depression, the rejection of the boy I truly cared for, I can’t say I hated it. Those hard times is what makes me who I am today and I am most grateful for that. However, along with the bad came the good. Meeting Philip Shin, graduating with my best friends, making great ones in college, I can only smile when I look back at all the good times. So thank you for the good times and the bad. I’ll surly never forget this year.
What can I say, I hope this year to be a good on. A year filled with more laughter and joy than tears and sorrow. I hope that I will grow more as a person with every test you put me through and hopefully, I’ll be able to see the end of this new year. Looking from the past, I will guide myself through this starting year. There’s not much I can say now since it’s only the first day, but I hope for the best for not only me but to all those who also wish the same. Hello 2012! Let’s make this a memorable year :)
Stay the fuck out of my life. I don’t like talking about my personal life with you. I’m not open like you are. I have limitations, boundaries, I’m not gunna let some person I hardly know get anywhere pass that. I don’t give a fuck if we go to the same school, I don’t give a shit if your my fucking friend, if I tell you to fuck off of my personal business, it means fuck off. You mean well and all but don’t think I’m going to tell you every little thing about me. That’s like fucking committing suicide. I have trust issues and I surely don’t trust you so if you don’t want me to flip out on you, stay the fuck out.
Dear Phil 250 class,
I fucking hate this class. It’s too fucking hard and too complicated. Fuck symbolic logic. It’s too complicated and my teacher is just. Gah. I’m really going to hate this quarter.
ASLDKJFGH Why do half of you have to be younger than me?! Wae?! I’m now an official pedonoona! And you Jongup!!! D:< Why are you so damn adorable but born in 1994?! WHY! Zelo you young little mother fucker, you’re a 96-er and that’s even worse! Do you know how guilty I feel?! Now I can’t think of you in any other way besides a little brother. Do you know how much torture that would be for my brain?! However, for YongGuk, HimChan, and DaeHyun, good job for being older than me. I approve. You three make me proud. As for the other three, why weren’t you born earlier?! My creys. AND YOU FUCKED UP MY BIASED LIST! Do you know how long it took me to make a proper list and now you little fuckers come in a screw it up! I’ll hold this against you!
WIth much love,
Kim Him Chan,
You fucked up my bias list. You bias ruiner!! You ruined my bias list!! Do you know how hard it was for me to come up with that list?! Do you understand my pain!? Gah like seriously, I just want to keep you forever and ever you precious umma. Why can’t I know you in real life?! ;A; You make my life sad. I really hope I get to meet you one day. That would be truly amazing.
with tons of love,
You piss me the fuck off. Like seriously, why are you here? Your friends are rude as fuck, a hypocrite, and just so annoying. You have the most smug look on your face. Like are you serious? Would it kill you not to look mad for once? And your friends are annoying! Seriously, gtfo. No one wants them here besides you. Take them somewhere else. Especially since you just do whatever the hell you want like you own the place. Dead serious right now, I hate seeing you. I try to stay as far away from you as possible. You’re hanging out with the wrong people and it amazes me how you do nothing to stop it. You’re basically wasting your time and money if you’re going to act like this. You’re in college. Grow up and start thinking straight cuz you’re going to regret it in the end.
What you are going through is completely unfair. Words cannot even explain how mad I am about this. I can’t call myself a BBC because I am obviously not one but seeing you go through something as horrid like this, I am definitely ready to commit myself to become a BBC. Each of you apologized, you all remorse for your mistake, Zico shaved his head, the company is thinking of changing their ‘free-will’ spirit, and they can’t even smile on stage?! This is too much. I’m not even a BBC and this is bringing me to tears. I feel so much pain for you 7. You don’t deserve any of this and I truly wish there was something I could do to help you. This is surly the worst and I hate everyone that is hurting you. You were being you, something we don’t see in kpop today and they hated you for that. Let them hate because you have BBC right by your side ready to back you up all the way. Whether it be 1 or a billion, BBC will always be here so stay strong neh! Don’t give up and continue to smile because this is personally crushing my heart in so many ways that I can’t even imagine was possible after the whole DBSK thing.
with much love and support,
Speaking in terms of the Block B issue, I hate all of you. I am normally a pro life kind of person, not truly wishing harm on anyone but with you guys, I just can’t. I really hope karma comes back and bites you in the ass hard. A suicide petition? What are you even fighting for? This is all just a bunch of pointless rage and it’s beyond stupid. You claim that they have brought shame to korea. Fuckers, they did not ring shame to korea. The ones who brought shame to korea is you. I don’t want to go to korea because I know there are people like you there. No normal human being would sign something so ridiculous as a suicide petition. Seriously, who does that? I know no one in the right mind that would do something so fucking stupid like that. You all just piss me off beyond proportions. I really don’t want to listen to kpop anymore because of all of this stupidity. It just pisses me off and its because of you.
I hate you all,
Bang Yong Guk,
I normally understand my boundaries when it comes to people; who I can and can’t think/talk/dream/etc. of but than theres you. Words can’t explain how much I hate you, how much I want to slap you and yell at you. I can never have a chance with a guy like you so why are you always in my head? Why are you always the first person I want to say good morning to? Why is it you? Why couldn’t I be a little more realistic and like a normal guy? I am perfectly fine with waiting, I’m perfectly fine with that chance I’ll never find the one but than there’s you. I’d rather die alone that think that you can be the one. I hate you. I hate you so much. I want to rip that damn smile off your face. I was never delusional. I always thought it was funny how people believed they could date celebrities, it’s just not real. Now, I’m one of those people. Without me knowing, you slip my mind and its driving me mad. Just go away and never come back.
Hey, it’s your birthday. Heh. Today’s the day of your birth, the day were you celebrate, the day I confessed and remember all the pain that came with it. Today is your birthday. You’re finally 19.. How does it feel? Doesn’t feel any different huh? It’s just another day. Nothing important huh? That’s what you always said. I wish you the best of luck for your years to come. I hope you the best in college and just life in general. Speaking of which, do you finally know what you’re going to do? You never really knew what you were going to do, or at least that’s what I thought. Maybe I was wrong. Heh. That wouldn’t be a first. How has your family been? Are you getting along with your sister? I remember you telling me about how you two didn’t get along, or at least you didn’t like her. You never told me why. Are you still madly in love with Yoona? You’re such a sone ja neh. Do you like community college? Is it a challenge for you? Haha. Are you still lazy as always? You know you can’t get anywhere like that. Heh. My heart feels so heavy, I don’t know what to say. Does any of this even make sense? Heh. What am I even trying to say.. Hm, well I guess all I really do have to say is Happy Birthday. Although we don’t talk and even see each other anymore, I will always wish you the best on your birthday.
Kim Kyu Jong,
It’s been what, 2 days since you confessed that you were going to enlist in the army next month? Well when you said it doesn’t matter, what matters is that you’re going and you’re not coming back until 2 years is over. I’ve been trying to cope with it for the past few days but I simply can’t accept the fact that you’re not going to be here anymore. However, even though I don’t agree, even though I just want to beg you to not go, I can’t do any of those things. I’m stubborn and I don’t like sudden change like this but I’ll eventually get over it. Just promise you’ll come home safely. Just take your time and don’t rush. I’ll be waiting here for you so don’t worry. Just please be safe while you’re away. I won’t be able to stand the thought of having you hurt while you’re in training. Please come back as the silly old kyu that I know and love. I don’t want to see you change into a stranger by the end of 2 years. Triple S will be waiting for you and hopefully, even though I won’t be able to see you off, I may be able to see you come back in flesh and blood. I’ll pray every night for your safety, please be okay.
Love always and forever,
Kim Kyu Jong
It’s only a few more days until you leave. I’m counting down the days and it’s paining my heart. I want to see you go so badly. I want to wish you well, to tell you that I will be waiting for you here. I want to tell you everything. I can’t believe you’re going. Please, please come back safely. Come back healthy and come back the same Kyujong that I love and adore. You’ll never read this and even if you magically were able to, you’d never understand but I’m scared for my life when you’re gone. I don’t care what happens to me, I don’t care what happens to the people around me, just promise you’ll come back safe. I don’t know what goes on in the enlistment thing and i think that’s what scares me the most. I will try my hardest to be at those gates to welcome you back. I will do anything and everything to be there to see you come back. Be safe and stay healthy. That’s all I could ever ask for.
Love always, forever, and for the rest of eternity,
Shin Hye Sung
Welcome to my bias list. I hope you enjoy your stay because you are not leaving.
With much love and consideration,
Why. Why why why why and fucking why. Why is there always mass shootings. Why does so many people have to die because of one man’s sick and twisted being. And why, on God’s name, does it have to be children. I may not agree with everything humanity has to say about anything, I may turn to despise the human race, but never, ever, will I ever attempt to ever physically hurt, maim, or kill another human being. What makes today different from the rest of the mass shootings? What’s so special about the one in Newton Connecticut? They were children. 5-10 year old children that just barely started their lives here on this Earth all to be taken away from them because of one man.
This tears my hearts to bits. Children are pure, innocent, the most perfect form of life on Earth and their lives have been taken today. It outrages me that that man did this. It agitates me that someone would even think to go to an elementary school and just shoot innocent, young children. What? What kind of messed up life did you have to have to stoop so low? What kind of shit did you have to go through to want to take the lives of 20 children?! Why! Why must it be children. So much potential, so much was waiting for them and they were the ones to go. Why. Why did it have to be the children. I would have happily died today if it meant sparing one of those children’s lives. But no. I sit here and I get to enjoy the wonders of life while 20 children are being prepared to be buried 6 feet under. This is beyond cruel. This is more than wrong. This is unforgivable.
New Years Eve. Although I’m writing this a bit early (10:35 pm), I wanted to get this out of the way. Anyhow, 2012, you have been a kick ass year. B.A.P debut, KCON, me getting my license, the fail apocalypse, this year was great. Sigh, what more I can say? I’m surely going to miss the great times I had this year but I’m definitely looking forward to the things that lie ahead for me. Although I can never go back to 2012, I know that I won’t forget it (unless I get like Alzheimer’s or something). As the clock ticks, I begin my adieus to a wonderful year and my welcoming to a brand new year. What lies ahead is a film I’m itching to watch.
with the most love,
I don’t know why I’m thinking about you or why I’m even writing to you. I hope and pray and beg the heavens that you never find this, ever, but I wanted to ask, do you remember our hug? I can’t help but laugh when I think about it. I’m probably sounding like a loser now. If you’re reading this (and God strike me down with lightning if ou are), you probably don’t remember huh? It was such a stupid memory. I don’t even know why I remember it or why I suddenly remembered about it now but I do. It was so awkward, our hug. We had to walk back to the lunch area, after we had said our adieus, and hug. It was such a weird hug too. It was long and it was awkward but it was really nice. I can’t help but smile when I think back on it. It’s just a thought, a happy thought. Please never find this.